On October 13th, the gods of Norrath called forth upon all Ratonga younglings to take part in a fierce contest of speed and cunning that would prove their worth as future champions of their race...or prove a tragic and horrifying testament to the fact that combining children and bloodsport is a bad idea.

The grand Event started in Darklight Woods, where a GM took stock of the participants (of which VERMIN represented almost a full half).  The tribal abuse continued from there to the Enchanted Lands and finally to the sharp, cold winds of Everfrost.

 

 

 

 
Hats off to all the VERMIN crew who showed up to this server event.  We had an excellent showing for the guild.  It was the greatest spread of disease and feces that Norrath has seen in a long time.  Well Done.

/salute

Come closer, young ones...Yis, come closer.

Lets me tells yewz one of the greatest stories of all Time.  Take heed, for everythings eyez say is True.  Now let me think...how does it begin.  Ah, that's right.  Like all Heroic Tales, the events transpired a Long Time Ago (yesterday) in a Land Far, Far Away (just click the rally flag in the guildhall)...

There once was an infamous pirate crew of foul miscreants known as VERMIN.  Their goal was to accumulate treasure and track down the most powerful and magickal weapons ever created.  Their search eventually led them to the dangerous land of dragons, Veeshan's Peak.

Upon entering this place of Fire and Fear, the dread pirates stabbed, slashed, and spell-casted their way through the midst of horrific creatures and terrifyin' monsters.  But before they could march onward, they were confronted by a deadly foe indeed -- the ancient flame-vomiting dragon known as Druushk.

His beady eyes gazed upon the raiders in unfathomable hatred.  His lips curled back over dagger-sharp fangs, and his grotesque horns crowned his massive head like hardened tentacles of Death.  Who would dare to oppose him?

VERMIN would!  The raidforce charged like suicidal maniacs on a mission!

But the fight would not prove so easily won by either side.  As the battle raged on, pirates began to fall in agony as they succumbed to the dragon's fiery breath or fell to the swipe of its mighty tail.

Dvara bravely shouted out, "Okay, hit it now -- NOW!  No, wait.  Wait, not yet.  Nevermind, please wait..."

Rontgen courageously declared, "Guys, my dumb statue hasn't clickied a single time.  I'm just standin' here like a friggin' eediot.  I'm goin' AFK...tell me when the dumb fight is over."

Jacquie wailed, "Can my group stop taking damage please?  It's freakin' me out."

Sands passionately cried out, "HaHa.  No Power to rez.  Sorries.  HaHa!"

Oxyotl inspired the troops with an Iksarian battle-chant of "$^#$#%$ MORONS!!!!"

Raynie told sex jokes, Degrasi ran in circles for no apparent reason, and Mies said absolutely nothing (which is not surprising.  It's a widely-held belief that he is not actually a real person, but rather an A.I. anomaly...the inevitable result of years and years of MMO evolution that will eventually pave the way for the fall of Mankind and the rise of Machines on this planet.).

But it seemed all for naught. 

All would be lost.  The crew would be doomed.  Everybodies would die.

But wait...WAIT!  Who is that dark-clad figure come to save us in our darkest hour???  Could it be?  At long last, a Dragonslayer capable of accomplishing the impossible...!

No.  No, not him.

Can yewz honestly believe that this guy played the hero in the 1981 Dragonslayer movie?  My gods.  Although if yewz look closely, yewz will notice that all Qeynosians have a very strong resemblance to the actor Peter Macnicol (pictured above).  Male, female...it don't matter.  Everybodies from Qeynos looks like this.

Thankfully it was another Hero who came to the aid of the VERMIN crew that day!  From out of the shadows leaped a blur of hood, cloak, and flashing daggers.  The mysterious Assassin landed, crouched and ready to face possibly his biggest challenge.

It was Kooli.  Captain of the Crew.  Keeper of the Cheese.  GuildLeader of VERMIN.  He nodded with silent encouragement to the dismembered dead people strewn about the battlefield, lying face down in puddles of their own blood.  "Good job, people!  Good job!  Don't give up!  Remember...Waste not, want not!  If a limb falls off, use it as ammo!  Throw it at the enemy!"

With the troops rallied, the Ratongan Stab-Master charged forth, then stopped.  He waited.  People died.  He patiently waited some more.  More people died.  Finally he saw the opening he was looking for.  He tip-toed slowly forward and approached the single point of weakness on the dragon...a thumbnail-sized area of exposed dragon flesh where one of the wurm's scales had fallen away.

Kooli pushed on the flesh really hard, yelling "TAP OUT!  TAP OUT!"

And the dragon died.

Afterwards, the entire raidforce gathered around the front of the beast to suckle its teats for Magical Milk of Power, thereby envigorating us with the vitality of gods!  Hopefully the dragon was female.  Nobodies knows really.  Crap.

And such is the Legendary epic tale of Druushk and the Crew that killed him...er...her.  May the bards sing songs throughout the Ages about VERMIN's mighty deeds!!!

Oh yis -- Kooli and Mies got their Mythicals.  Yays!

/salute

Yesterday was VERMIN's first official meeting in our Pirate Cove: Fortress of Shinies.  The Event called VERMIPALOOZA was both frightening and enjoyable...disturbing and yet strangely exciting.  Spanning the length of 4 hours, there is no possible way that every weird and absurd detail can be reviewed in this short summary article.  However here are the highlights...

Things started off at a somewhat respectable level in our main hall.

This was probably the best part of the Event since eyez did all the talkin' and had the opportunity to share things both wise and profound.  Everybodies stood in rapt attention, in awe at my superior intellect.

Unfortunately at some point we fell victim to strange outsiders who had apparently just escaped from Dvara's Luv Cage that he keeps hidden in his basement.

One of many Contests that took place was a Talent Show.  A long string of performers flexed their talent muscles.  Rinkle entertained the crowd with stand-up comedy.  Daggy wow'd us with magic tricks.  Roberts left us pondering the meaning of Life with his dramatic reading.  Wits decided that assaulting our senses with the overpowering and sickening stench of burning human flesh would prove a great "act" as she proceeded to set herself aflame.  One of Dvara's many concubines wailed about how great Dvara was.  Rattamus inspired us with a rousing pirate song.  And Goober...he did...well, it was some sort of Halfling Porn.

It was during Trebby's act (which had to do with some bizzare display of an army of training dummies meant to be seen as some sort of "art") that our Crew was attacked by a gigantic DRAGON!  One second, we were boggling at whatever Trebluc was doin' on stage in our cafe' lounge...the next second, people were screaming in Japanese and runnin' for their lives in fear of the humongous lizard creature!  Once the scary dragon transformed into a GIANT human female, the men of the guild decided to go back for another look.

As it turns out, one of our server's GM's decided to stop by for a visit (probably to make sure our fearsome Crew wasn't planning the destruction of Norrath, which would have a negative impact on SOE's profit margin).  They said hellowz and joined us for a few minutes to help celebrate our success as the greatest guild ever, all while endurin' the attempts by an enlarged Daggy who was tryin' to "get it on" with her.  Or he was stabbin' her with a large sword.  Or somethin'...who really knows what he was doin'.

Later, Shinie-Stealer Londorie was promoted to full Pirate status in a ceremony that ended with her walkin' The Plank and gettin' splattered all over the courtyard below.  So congrats to our newest official member of VERMIN!

After that, the Crew was excited and overjoyed to hear some amazing news in a Pirate Ship announcement in our Harbor from two highly-valued and popular crewmembers, Cervanto and Witseyna!!!

Apparently their Wedding will take place in April '09 to be conducted by a popular bard named Elvis.  Oh yis...and they got iPhones.

We all took a dip in the Harbor after that.  There was a swim race.  We went back up top to dry off, where we ended up in our newly-constructed Gladiator Arena.  Guildies faced-off against guildies.  Blood was splattered and limbs removed.  Guts flew forth like pieces of flyin' sausage and screams of the dyin' echoed throughout the guildhall.

In the End, there could be only One.  And it turned out to be the ShadowKnight, Degrasi.  Congrats to our new Fight Club Champion!

Once the mess was cleaned up, awards of recognition were given to Crewmembers who had gone above and beyond the call of duty.  Prizes were awarded to those who won Contests.  GM-provided Cheese was handed out by Sands to everybodies who came.

In a final and dramatic conclusion, Raynie unveiled an awe-inspiring addition to our guildhall!  At 300 platinum pieces and 30million status points, the spectacular Dragon Statue that now graces our courtyard is the most expensive amenity in the game.  Only a small handful of guilds on the server currently have one.  A huge THANKS to Oxyotl for donating about half the plat necessary to make this prestigious guild item a reality.  And another big thanks to all the Officers who emptied-out their status funds to pay for the Dragon in time for the Event.

Thanks to everybodies who came and participated in this fun event.  It was a hoot!  See yewz guys next time!

/salute

Alright.

Eyez have been personally criticized, rebuked, and ridiculed for the lack of News articles these past several months.  As if it's the Website manager/Guildleader's responsibility to "entertain" yewz.  Like eyez have nuthin' better to do other than sit around writin' about events that yewz ALREADIES KNOW ABOUT (since yewz was THERE to witness things firsthand)!!!

But fine.

WhatEVER.

Yewz are all obviously low on INT, cuz yewz need to be reminded about somethin' that happened the nite before.  It is my professional opinion that every single one of yewz plays this game either drunk, on hallucinogens, or sufferin' from severe concussions to the head.  Perhaps a combination of all three.

So here's a quick recap of "highlights" for what transpired these past few months...

Firstly, we spent quite a bit of time in the Shard of Hate.  Enough so that the first 4 Named encounters are no longer a challenge.  Not even a little bit.  This includes the Sisters battle.  Little did we know at the time that the vile and evil Troll siblings kept a dark secret beneath their scaly green flesh!

Upon their deaths, we gathered around like the Scooby gang at the conclusion of yet another mysterious episode to discover that the faces of both Ire and Malevolence were nothing more than Troll masks used to hide the identity of monsters more horrific and disgusting than our mortal minds could possibly comprehend.  In fact, the mental trauma that ensued was more than many could handle.  Half the raiders on that ill-fated day immediately released their bowels, then commited suicide on the spot.

Please do not allow yewz eyes to gaze upon the followin' image for more than a few seconds lest yewz suffer the same fate (picture size minimized for yewz own safety)...

In the Fall of 2008, VERMIN took for themselves the largest GuildHall in Norrath.  Situated on an isle off the coast near Freeport, our pirate crew killed, pillaged, and stole enough wealth to make our Cove Fortress the most impressive in the land!

From our secret lair, we strike out at both enemies and friends alike.  We laugh arrogantly at lesser guilds who have smaller guildhalls, and we taunt potential visitors from the ramparts like haughty Frenchmen.

At some point, it must be mentioned that Raynie's dog Spot sniffed Dvara's butt and a parrot flew out of the Teir'Dal Guardian's arse.  Eyez don't think any of us are surprised.

Finally, on a more recent note...

The gnome-staffed observatory in Steamfont Mountains made a rather alarming discovery.  A large pinkish planet was being tracked approaching Norrath at a startling rate.  This strange unknown planet was calculated to collide with our own world within a week's time.  All the peoples of Norrath would soon be obliterated -- vaporized into space dust.

It was VERMIN that figured out the truth of the matter...Many of our guildies express themselves by exposing otherwise private body parts to others in a gesture of goodwill.  It didn't take long to deduce that the oncoming planet was probably responding to a cosmic "booty call" if yewz will.

Unfortunately a galactic bump-and-grind between two planetary bodies would prove catastrophic to the civilizations living upon them.  So VERMIN came to the rescue!

Our first order of business was to determine the gender of our specific world.  Knowin' this would prove instrumental in developin' an appropriate strategy to resolve our crisis.  Eyez think this next picture answers without a doubt any question of gender...

Upon discoverin' our world's giant penis, we went about developin' a plan.  First we tried inserting people INTO the manhood to destroy the fearsome sperm within, hoping against hope that the lack of sperm would somehow decrease the sexual urges of our host.  This was a bad idea.  We received word that now OUR planet had started moving to meet its female counterpart.

At the same time, very wise philosphers began to ponder the repercussions of actually surviving the mating period.  What if a small child planet came forth from the union?  Now there's the question of Child Support.  How much would it be?  And would it be up to US -- the population of Norrath -- to generate the monthly amount necessary to support an entirely different world??!!!!

This was not fair.  It was not right.

Somethin' needed to be done.

Araxes attempted to make sweet luv to the Sentient Sausage.  Trebby was sacrificed to it out of principle.

It was the females of VERMIN that had the nerve to suggest the Final Solution.  Tinkering Blueprints were created to aid with the construction of a gigantic pair of scissors.  The males of our guild were so horrified at the idea that they left to create their own committee.

It was an ill and dastardly turn of Fate (or perhaps Bristlebane was in a dark humor that day) that caused what transpired next.

The male committee and female committee both converged upon Levi the Giant Penis at exactly the same time.  The males had decided to communicate with the wonderous wee-wee through the most logical of means.  And it made absolutely perfect sense too!!!

While Dagazon lay there next to Levi with his wanker held out in a swaying motion very similiar to Levi's, the females approached with their Chopping Machine.  It doesn't take a genius to figure out what happened next.

They accidentally removed the only penis in Norrath large enough to stand a chance at creating a psychic bond with Leviathan.  But really, in all honesty, there SHOULD be a law against Ogres painting faces on their wankers.  It's not funny -- it's just disturbing.

So with our only diplomatic channel now severed, VERMIN had no other option.

Norrath is now a girl.  Just like Daggy.

Oh yis...we also got access to Veeshan's Peak!  Yay!

The world of Norrath was bombarded with the followin' message yesterday:

That's right, folks.  Outta the hundreds of guilds on our server, the Crew of VERMIN now rank themselves as one of the few handful of organizations to attain what is currently the highest possible level a guild may achieve.

Well done to all of yewz.  It was a team effort, and eyez proud to call yewz guildies.  Also another special nod of thanks to Cervanto, Witseyna, and Wyme for motivatin' a full-fledged "call-to-arms" Writ Race to close that status gap to Level 80.

Now everybodies go buy some new status mounts and titles and whatnot.

/salute

It's a sad, sad day in the world of Norrathian Gangsta Rap.

The Hip-Hop industry that was once favored predominantly by the strange Froglok race, which involved tribal beats and...well...hopping around...was forever changed in recent years when the Halflings of Rivervale were invaded by otherworldly beings.  The happy, pudgy, pie-eating midget people were passionate lovers of riddles and poetry.

But havin' their homes burned, their cattle mutilated, and their people massacred made them feel less happy.  They took their interest in rhyme and begin to twist it into something full of despair, hate, killing, and woe.  In a mezmerizing sing-song voice, they began to spit-out lyrics that described their horrible situation and the revenge they would wreak by ganging-up together to run really really fast past their oppressors while throwing pies.

And thus the origins of what we know today as "Drive-By's" and the art form known as "Gangsta Rap".

It's not surprising then that it was the spreading of this new type of music that directly resulted in the violent spiritual dark energies that aligned the Plane of Hate with our own world, thereby resulting in access to the Shard of Hate!

It was thus that Norrath was introduced to the greatest Rapper of our time -- Pimpin' Undead Master P.  Followed by a posse of imps, zombies, and skeletons wherever he went, Master P never did anythin' half-way.  He was the first to coin the term "flerb" (As in "flerb that, man -- that's flerbin' flerb").  Many critics believe the word was made-up because he couldn't think of anything that rhymed with "Herb" (his legal birth name), and that pissed him off.  But regardless of how one felt about the man...er...vampire, one thing is certain:  He forever changed the way that Norrath listened to Rap (Master P insisted that people only hear his "music" while sitting on their hands -- something his mother made him do as a child).

The details are sketchy, and the full weight of Innorruk's domain is being brought to bear on the investigation.  What we do know is that the Pirate Crew known as VERMIN decided to break into Innorruk's summer home crib and have a look around.  They left a trail of booze, mushrooms, potty parchment and cheese which suggests a massive house party.

Before they left, an eyewitness stumbled upon the scene in time to view first-hand the foul miscreants smashing pies on Master P's mangled corpse before running off with a metal chest full of his "Bling".

Please be on the lookout for suspects wearing large, heavy gold necklaces with diamond-studded letter "P"'s hanging from them...or riding mounts with platinum-layered "spinning" hooves -- these should be especially easy to spot since the animals absolutely hate the "spinners"...the gnomish contraptions make it next to impossible to run, walk, or even stand upright for more than 5 seconds.  Many consider them possibly the stoopidest invention ever created.

On a more positive note, fans should be excited to hear that Master P will be releasing another album sometime next year...We do not know how.

On our last visit to Protector's Realm, we came upon a gigantic Golem at the end of the epic dungeon...his name was Imzok.  As with all people VERMIN crosses paths with, we use an ancient and secret method to determine the best course of action in any situation.

Quite simply, we take the name of the person we've come in contact with, then spell the name backwards.  Then take the reversed letters and flip them upsidedown.  This reveals the special de-coded hidden message of All Things.

So...

IMZOK
KOZMI (backwards)
IWZO[backward K] (flipped upsidedown)

Well, as yewz can imagine, nuthin' coulda pissed us off more!!!  This guy needed to DIE a painful and excruciating DEATH!  After all...what the hell does IWZO[backward K] mean?!?!  It didn't make sense.

And anything that doesn't make sense should be destroyed.

Not only that, but the monster was obviously protecting some rather large stone boxes which were located behind him.  Obviously they were filled with vast amounts of treasure and shinies!

So we ATTACKED usin' a verrrrry complicated and intimidating strategy of combat that involved runnin' away screamin' like girls every 30 seconds.  Eventually we wore him down with our piercing shrieks, and he fell over dead!

Which serves him right since his name doesn't make any sense.

We eagerly approached the stone constructs on the other side of the room, but were disappointed to discover they were for decorative purposes only.

So we pee'd on them.

And then we showed our muscles to make up for all the girly screams from earlier.

Fear Us.